I haven’t been here in awhile but I have an excuse – I’ve been busy subbing at the school. They’ve kept me busy busy this month and I’ve enjoyed it. And yet, I am glad to see the end is near. I have two more days scheduled to be there before school lets out for the summer and I’m guessing that will be it for me until the new year starts in the fall. As much as I enjoy being there and spending time will all the kids and seeing Drew throughout the day, my place is really here at home. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about that.
I read something the other day about a woman who didn’t feel complete if she wasn’t working outside the home. She didn’t feel like she was accomplishing anything or contributing to the world. That got me to thinking. Up until about three years ago, I had always worked outside of the home. I started my first job when I was a sophomore in high school working at the local ice cream shop. I loved that job. I loved the owners of the shop. They were husband and wife and they treated all of us like their children. They had two sons who were like brothers to me. I worked at a grocery store through college. I spent nine years working in the office of an electrical contractor. I had a great boss who truly lived the idea that employees came first and happy employees meant a thriving business. Then I spent two years working at the school as a one on one aid with a behavior disorder student. I loved that boy and I still see him and talk to him today as he lives here in town. I developed a relationship with him that has lasted throughout the years. Afer getting laid off from my position there I went to work for a social services agency doing transcription work. I was there for 11 years before getting laid off due to government budget cuts. 22 support staff were laid off all at once. Totally unexpectedly. From there I worked in the City Clerk’s Office in town part time for about 2 1/2 years before making the decision to stay home with Drew.
I enjoyed my work at the school and with the social services agency the most. I felt that I was making a difference in people’s lives at both of those jobs. I know I made a difference in my student’s life at the school. And I had mentally ill and ID people who would call or stop in at the office at the social services job just to see me and talk with me. I felt if nothing else I was making their day better just be being someone they could talk to with no judgement. I would simply listen. After working at those two places, going to work for the city was such a drastic change. I just didn’t enjoy that job at all. I wasn’t helping anyone. Instead I was listening to constant complaints – complaints against the city and the city employees and how everyone was out to undercut everyone else. I got to see a lot of people in a whole differnet light working there. I had great coworkers and they love their jobs and work hard for the city but it just wasn’t for me. I didn’t feel like I was making a difference there. All I could think about was how I felt like I was wasting my time there.
And throughout all the years of working outside the home I always just wanted to be home. I’ve never been the person who wants to climb the ladder and work my way to the top. I never saw myself as being the person who makes a difference in the world although I did find satisfaction in making a difference in small ways in people’s lives when working jobs where I could do that. I worked because I felt it was the thing to do. I worked because it was expected. I worked becuase we had bills to pay, kids and a house and vehicles and all the things that go with that. And now I’m home. I do transcription from home in the mornings to bring in a little bit of income. I sell my cross stitch to bring in income. Because we still have all those bills that need to be paid!
But as I was working this past month at the school I realized that home is where I am supposed to be. Home is where I make a difference. Being home, being here for Joe and for Drew. This is where I feel complete. When I work outside the home I find myself getting lost. I can’t concentrate on what is important in my life – my family, my home. I spend my time gone from home and then when I am home, I’m spending my time doing what has to be done to get through until the next day. I get home and I help Drew get his homework done, I do the chores, I fix supper, I pack my lunch for the next day, I make sure enough laundry is done so we all have clothes to wear . Even sitting down to supper is a chore. I rush to get it on the table, I rush to get through supper so I can rush to get the dishes done. We sit down, turn the TV on and zone out for an hour or so and then off to bed to start all over again the next day.
And I don’t enjoy helping Drew with homework. I push him just to get it done so I can get on with the next thing on my list. I don’t enjoy feeding the chickens or even gathering the eggs. I hurry so I can get back inside to start supper. I fix a supper that is quick and easy and makes enough for leftovers for lunch the next day. I don’t enjoy the process of deciding what we’re going to have, and then spending time in the kitchen fixing a meal. It’s just one more thing that I have to get done. And the list goes on. I feel like my life is just one big blur of getting from one step to the next so I can get to bed at a decent time so I can get up and start all over. I don’t enjoy any of it.
So I’m thankful that right now I can be home. I feel like I am making a difference being at home. I’m making a difference for my family. And to me, that’s the most important job in the world. Making my home a fun, relaxing, enjoyable place to be. Being here for Drew. Not just to make sure he gets his homework done and has clean clothes for school but being here for him. Being able to pick him up from school. Being able to take the time to really listen to him and to play with him and to just be here. And being here for Joe. Run an errand for him or go out to lunch with him once in awhile during the week. Being here to talk to him when he needs it. I didn’t realize how much we don’t bond when I’m working outside the home. Because I’m not focused on us. I’m focused on getting through the day and being ready for the next day. I’m here for Eric when he needs me and for Aaron when he wants to stop by for a visit. I’m here for Abby when I can be to watch the grandkids or answer a question or whatever the need may be.
I don’t get bored being at home. I never run out of things to do. I don’t feel like my worth has to be tied to a job. My home is my worth. My home is my job. My home is where my life is centered. My home and my family. Yes, we do without and cut corners and don’t always get everything we want because I’m not working outside the home. But I remember once, after Eric was born and I made the decision to stay at home for awhile before going back to work. When I told my boss at the time what I had decided to do he told me to never feel I had to apologize to anybody for wanting to be home with my family. That being there for my family was the most important job I could ever have. He was right and I feel blessed to be able to be home now. I don’t begrudge those women who want to work outside the home. I just know for me I’m here where I am needed most. I’m right where I belong.
Great post! I agree!